


fighting my own battles

by whataprettygarden



Category: ENHYPEN (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - War, Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Guns, Letters, M/M, Memories, Sickness, Tragic Romance, idk im sorry, sort of heartwarming?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:01:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29512197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whataprettygarden/pseuds/whataprettygarden
Summary: i cannot promise i will return victorious as well, and so i will wait for you up there.
Relationships: Park Jongseong | Jay/Yang Jungwon
Comments: 11
Kudos: 14





	fighting my own battles

**Author's Note:**

> hi again everyone !! yes if you weren't aware yet i usually avoid angst at all costs whether i'm reading or writing because i get VERY emotionally involved in stories and i end up getting really really sad afterwards but this is my first time attempting angst in a fanfic
> 
> this is actually the storyline of an english essay i wrote recently, about a sick woman writing her last letter to her husband fighting in a war, but her husband's letter arrives too late. it got a really good response from my teacher so i thought i should write it as a fanfiction :D
> 
> ANYWAYS IM DEEPLY SORRY FOR THIS i love u all so much mwah

Jungwon sealed the letter, sighing deeply as he gazed upon it. He pondered for days about what he should write in this letter, for it was important; these were the last words to his lover. His lover, Park Jongseong, who had recently been enlisted in the army to serve the country as a soldier. He had always been a good fighter, and had promised Jungwon he would come back alive and victorious.

It broke Jungwon’s heart to know he could not promise the same thing to Jongseong.

Jongseong longed to fight as hard as he could, so he could quickly return to Jungwon a victorious man. He told Jungwon in one of his letters that the very first thing he would do when he returned was lift Jungwon in his arms, spin him around, and kiss his lips as his reward for fighting so hard. Jungwon smiled, the letter was still there on his desk, and he so hoped that if God would grant it, a miracle would happen and maybe he could see Jongseong before he went.

But God had never been too kind to him. The only thing Jungwon was truly grateful for was the fact that he had met Jongseong, who never failed to soothe his pain. Still, it didn’t halt the fact that it still hurt a lot.

His chest burned with pain. A phlegmy cough emerged from his throat, along with small traces of blood onto the handkerchief in his hands. Though this no longer scared him, it was a deadly reminder that his final days were being experienced.

However, Jungwon’s main priority at that very moment was to get that letter delivered, so he could receive an answer before his clock stopped ticking.

After the taxi dropped him off at the post office, he made his way to counter 5. He was familiar with the person minding that counter, his old school friend Shim Jaeyoon. Being the kind-hearted soul he was, he volunteered to sort and send letters, seeing as many were waiting to be mailed each and every day by family and friends who wanted to write to their loved one who was fighting at war.

Jaeyoon was never the fighter type, unlike Jay. He was a devoted man to the Lord, never missing out on a Sunday Mass, never missing out the chance to do a gospel reading, never failing to preach about God’s goodness to the people, always spreading (or attempting to spread, at least) hope and joy in those depressing times.

Jungwon was close friends with Jaeyoon, and knew that Jaeyoon would try his best to get his letter out fast. He knew how desperate Jungwon always was, unsure of how much time he had left. Jaeyoon’s heart always ached for Jongseong’s and Jungwon’s tragic story, and wanted to assist them as much as he could. He assured Jungwon constantly he would do as he could to make sure Jongseong would get his letter quickly.

This time was a little different. Instead of his usually wide and warm smile, Jungwon was greeted a frantically panicking Shim Jaeyoon. Still, he calmed at the familiar face - though the familiar face was now filled with overwhelming sadness, with a touch of regret and resent against the higher beings. Jaeyoon’s expression fell, he knew that it was soon to come.

Jungwon’s moment to meet the Lord.

“I’m so sorry, Jungwon,” he muttered under his breath, amidst the chaos of the desperate crowd that were trying to get to the front so their letters could be sent.

“You’ve been a really good friend to me, hyung,” Jungwon smiled. He placed his envelope onto the counter, slipping it towards Jaeyoon. “please do me one last favour hyung, get this letter to Jongseong as quick as you can. I don’t have much time left, and I need an answer from him before I go. Please.”

“I want to promise you that Jungwon, I really do, but we’ve been really busy lately, and I can’t guarantee a fast reply,” Jaeyoon said, voice filled with apology. His heart was breaking in his chest for the poor couple.

Jungwon frowned. No fast reply? He did not have time to wait, he just couldn’t. He was going on a very long vacation, and would not be returning. If Jongseong’s letter didn’t get to him within the next month, he would never hear from his lover before going.

“I’m so sorry,” Jaeyoon apologized, feeling the need to never stop apologizing. Of course, the post office would have to be so busy at a time like this. “I’ll prioritize your letter, and pray for you.”

Jungwon gritted his teeth. There was no use praying, he felt so betrayed and abandoned. “Thank you, hyung.”

“Are you sure you can’t call him?”

“Jongseong does not have any access to a phone, the only phone available belongs to Captain Choi Seunghyuk, and he uses it for urgent business. He would not let his soldiers use it.”

Jaeyoon stayed silent. He held onto the last letter he would get from Jungwon, and looked at Jungwon for the last time. He had become so much weaker. His cheekbones were evident, his steps became smaller, and his face was so much more tired and rid of hope. Understandable, since he would not spend his last days with the person he loved the most.

“I’m really, really sorry Jungwon. I wish there was a faster solution.”

“Maybe if we had been born in the future we wouldn’t have to wait so long, but that is not so. I will just have to endure and hope for the best.”

“The Lord will find a way.”

* * *

Jongseong charged through battle with the vigor of a bull charging at a red cloth. Tactfully, he doged the enemies’ attacks and took down many of the enemy soldiers. But now it was time for the difficult part: coming closer to the enemy front lines. He had a motivation at the back of his mind, the thought of his lovely boy back home. He was doing it for him.

He despised the war. He hadn’t seen his lover in months. Hadn’t held him, hadn’t touched him, hadn’t hugged him, hadn’t kissed him, hadn’t slept next to him, hadn’t talked to him, hadn’t sung him to sleep, nothing. It pained him to be away from Jungwon, especially since he knew the kind of battles he fought. He believed they were more lethal than the armed combat he faced himself, since Jungwon had to face his battles all alone.

Also, he found it strangely ironic how the main purpose of war was to achieve some sort of peace.

All he wished was to never have to fight another human being ever again, or lay his violent hands on them, and return back home safely to his precious lover. He made a promise that when he came back, he would put a ring on his finger, and make him his husband. He so longed to get the war over with, so he could marry Jungwon and spend as much time as he had with him left.

His mind troubled him endlessly, but still he fought passionately. Again, he was doing it for Jungwon.

He was in the middle of a battle that had lasted a few hours, but had already gotten very intense. The enemies were not letting their guard down today, but luckily for them, neither were they. Today’s battle was a little bloodier, and a little bigger than usual, but Jongseong knew that since he had already made it this far, he could survive this one battle no doubt.

“We can take them!” his best friend, and fellow soldier Park Sunghoon yelled. He motioned for Jongseong to follow his lead.

“Sunghoon, no, they’re throwing the grenades and bringing out their more dangerous guns, we can’t risk it yet when we haven’t gotten ours ready yet. Wait for general’s orders-”

“So many other soldiers are going out now. It isn’t a problem; we can carry each other. I can take them Jongseong, we need to end this here and now.”

“Sunghoon, please don’t do it!”

A foolish move by the intrepid soldier indeed.

Sunghoon did not make it far. He ran about 5 meters from the safe zone, before a deafening gunshot, louder than the others, rang through Jongseong’s ears. He didn’t know if it was just him that the gunshot seemed loud to. His jaw dropped in silence as he saw his closest friend drop to the ground, now a lifeless corpse laying amongst the other unlucky soldiers who had also bravely stepped up to fire at the enemy.

The whole world seemed to come to a slow.

His first instinct made him attempt to cry out. It made him want to rush out like a cheetah running at its prey, firing every single one of his bullets to wipe out the enemy. But he found his limbs frozen; his words caught in his throat. The only person who had brought some sort of love to the war, Park Sunghoon. His only friend among the soldiers, had just been shot.

The last thing he wanted to do was believe it. It hurt him deeply, and the wound in his heart only grew from that moment on as he realized that he was no indeed alone.

* * *

“Well, Jungwon,” the doctor sighed. “there’s really nothing I can do for you anymore.”

“Are you sure? There isn’t anyway to extend my life?” Jungwon asked, in a pleading tone.

“I wish there was, but unfortunately, there isn’t,” the doctor shook his head. “your immune system has broken down too much, and your body has become very weak. The condition of your lungs only worsens by the day, and I fear you have no more than two weeks left. I’m sorry, Jungwon.”

“Heeseung, please,” Jungwon begged, clearly in a state of desperation, seeing as he had used his friend’s real name. “please, do something. I don’t want to go yet. I want to be alive when Jongseong comes back. Or at least alive until his last letter reaches me.”

Heeseung bit his lip. He rubbed Jungwon’s shoulder comfortingly, looking at his friend with sorrow, and pity.

“I wish there was more I could do for you Jungwon, but I’m really sorry. The most you can do is make sure you’re in a comfortable place before you…go. I can give you some medication for the pain if you need it to reduce the pain as much as we can. But there’s no method in which I can use to extend your life.”

The truth stabbed Jungwon harshly, like an arrow to his heart. Even after 2 years of knowing about his condition and accepting his fate, it still pained him to know he had to succumb to such horrible things. At such a young age too, he was only 23.

When Jungwon returned home from his doctors’ appointment, he instantly scavenged the apartment for his scrapbook. He found it lying under his bed, where he had stored it away a few years back. The first few pages were of his childhood, scribbles of words and messy drawings. As he turned the pages the handwriting became neater, and the drawings more vivid.

When he flipped to a certain point, he saw letters and pressed flowers.

Of course. The first time he met Jongseong.

Jongseong would often send romantic letters and bright red roses in secret. The teenage Jungwon was greatly swayed by these gifts, and so treasured them close to his heart. He made sure to keep them in a place he could look back at them when he needed them most : moments like this.

Jongseong used to leave letters on Jungwon’s desk along with flowers, until the day he finally gathered the courage to tell the younger boy how he felt. Jungwon remembered not being able to turn down such a handsome, kind, perfect boy who obviously cared about him a lot, which to that day, remained his best decision.

When Jongseong walked into his life, he brought serotonin and happiness. Things he had never experienced as much as Jongseong let him. He missed being embraced in his warm hugs, and being able to talk to him until the wee hours of the morning about everything and anything. He felt a sharp pain in his chest once again, groaning loudly, and falling to his knees.

He prayed to whoever was up there that Jongsoeng would receive his letter quickly.

* * *

Jongseong did not smile for 2 days after the battle ended. They were victorious, but he did not feel so. They won, but at what cost? He lost his best friend; he could not bare the weight of the loss. It did not feel right to celebrate at all.

“Hey Jongseong, something wrong?” Euijoo, the mailman asked. Yes, he was making his rounds again. His voice was calming to Jongseong’s ears, but only because he was the one who brought letters from Jungwon.

Jongseong answered in a soft, timid voice. “We lost Sunghoon.”

Euijoo was silent, and his face fell. He knew Sunghoon meant a lot to him. “I’m so sorry. He fought well.”

“Yeah,” Jongseong nodded, hiding his obvious pain. “do you have any letters from Jungwon today?”

“I do,” Euijoo said, handing him the envelope. “the employees at the office told me to prioritize this letter above most others. It seemed urgent.”

That could not be good.

Jongseong, with shaky hands, hesitatingly opened the letter, and threw the envelope onto the ground.

_My love, Jongseong._

_I know that you are away at this very moment, and it has been quite a while since I’ve written. Please forgive me, I have been busy with other things._

_I fear this may be the last you hear of me, my love. I do not have much time left; I know this well. You knew this too. I warned you many times, and I admire that you have stuck around so despite all of it. Until, of course, this war ensued, and we have been forced apart this past three months._

_I have so much to say, but I just want to begin with this. I love you so much, Park Jongseong. You have made the past 10 years of my life worth living, and you brought so much light and joy to my darkest of days when I had no incentive to live. I was always aware my lifespan would be short, and it made me depressed very often. But you, my love, made everything better, and helped me do so many things that I wanted to in these 10 short years._

_I know that a time as long as 50 years, maybe even 100 years, would not be enough time to spend with you. I wish the Lord could have been kinder to me, but I see that was not possible._

_Live a good life, my love. Find another lover, do not mourn too much once I am gone. I shall be waiting up there for you patiently when time comes, if you still love me then._

_Your Love,_

_Yang Jungwon_

Jongseong could feel his heart drop to the very depths of hell, and shatter into about a million glass shards. He couldn’t handle it, losing his best friends, and now about to lose his lover-whom he could not be with on his last day.

Though, he did feel as if the least he could do for his lover to comfort him was write a letter for him, filled with as much love he could contain within its words. He was not sure if he could write through the tears that made his vision blurry, but he had to try. Euijoo was already gone, but he would be back in a week, so he could pass him the letter then.

Jungwon felt completely devoid of hope. A familiar feeling.

No sign of receiving a letter from Jongseong. Nothing.

Maybe it was time to give in. The odds weren’t on their side.

He looked through all the records he owned (which, yes, Jongseong bought for him) , and when he found the one he desired, he placed it in the record player.

It was a familiar tune, one he knew by heart: Jongseong’s favourite song. The charming and mellow melody soothed his aching heart, as he lay himself upon his black bed sheets. His short life replayed through his mind as the song progressed, reminiscing all the good times and the bad. Whoever this God was, he gave him a big deal of pain to deal with, but he did give the best painkiller of all. Jongseong.

Soon enough, the last few seconds of the song resonated throughout the bedroom, but when the final lyrics emerged from the player, Jungwon could not hear them.

* * *

“Euijoo,” Jongseong panted, shoving the letter into his face. “please. Deliver this to Jungwon. As fast as you can. He needs me.”

Euijoo held an undesirable facial expression, gritting his teeth as if he refrained from telling Jongseong something. Jongseong could sense it, Jungwon did the same thing often, and didn’t have to urge Euijoo to say anything because his glare did all the talking.

“I actually have a letter from Jungwon’s doctor.”

Jongseong grabbed him by the collar. He shook him lightly, fury clouding his face.

“Please. Tell me he’s okay.”

Euijoo shook his head slowly.

“He…passed away. In his own home. His friend Jaeyoon found him, after realizing his apartment door was unlocked when he was delivering some food. He was lying in his bed, as if he was sleeping peacefully.”

_My love, Jungwon._

_Words cannot express how sorry I am that I am not there with you. I hope this letter reaches you in time._

_I do not know where to start, honestly. I still remember how nervous I was when first confronting you and my feelings for you. Do you remember the letters and the flowers I used to leave you? I used to leave you chocolates on occasion, as well. I never knew you were allergic to nuts, I still feel sorry about the first chocolate I left you which had nuts in it. You swelled up and could not come to school._

_This letter, unlike those letters I used to write, feels painful to write. My heart is heavy, knowing what you are about to experience, and that I cannot be with you to comfort you. I wish I could see you so much, my love, before you go._

_I cannot see much as I write this, as my eyes are clouded with tears, so if this letter arrives wet I apologize for that. But I think I may not ever stop mourning. I just recently lost Sunghoon to the same fate, and that is already eating up at me. I do not know how I am going to deal with losing you forever, Jungwon. I don’t know if I can wait that long to see you, or be happy again._

_But I want you to have some ounces of happiness as this will be the last you ever hear from me._

_I love you so much, Jungwon. You bring so much joy to my life, your smile brings more light than the sun does the earth. I miss the way you used to laugh when we lay in bed together at night and conversed about stupid things. I miss the way we used to bicker about little things and we would always try to make it up to each other, unaware we were not really upset. I miss holding you, talking to you, spending time with you. It is something I could not live without, but now something I have to learn to leave as a happy memory._

_I wish I could never let you go. I wish God was kinder to you, it’s not fair you go through this alone. Especially now, in your final days, when even I am not allowed to be with you._

_Please, Jungwon, take this letter when you go. Wherever it is you go, I will go, be it in heaven or our next lives. I don’t know how many lives humans live but I just know I would spend every single one of them with you._

_I do not know what to write anymore. I just want to be with you and hold you one last time, my love. It pains me to know I cannot do that. But I hope you know I am forever there in spirit with you, living in your heart._

_I love you, Yang Jungwon._

_Your Love,_

_Jongseong_

**Author's Note:**

> cries idk if this hurt enough but i hoped you liked it anyway. 
> 
> thank you for reading everyone !! pls leave a kudos/comment and follow me on twitter @shimfairie :D 
> 
> until next timeeeeee


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